Stages of Grief After a Miscarriage

Miscarriage is the second worst thing I’ve ever gone through in my life (after the loss of my sister). The stages of grief are different for everyone, but here were mine. Note that one stage doesn’t necessarily end once a new stage begins — many of them were overlapping.

  1. Drink wine, lots and lots of wine. Drink all the wine I would have drank during the 3 months I was pregnant, in one week.
  2. Decide never to go back to work, cry all day, and sleep a lot.
  3. Google the shit out of possible causes. Drive myself, as well as my midwife, absolutely mad with theories.
  4. Blame myself.
  5. Blame the hospital and contact malpractice attorneys.
  6. Troll online support groups. Join every single miscarriage support group I can find on Facebook and the What to Expect app, post questions, and respond to everyone else’s questions.
  7. Curse every woman on TV who is pregnant or has a baby. Curse evil characters and ask, “why couldn’t you have been a miscarriage?”
  8. Call funeral homes to figure out how to bury or cremate the baby. Give up on them and bury her ourselves in a potting plant.
  9. Obsess over tracking my cycle and trying to get pregnant again. Take more ovulation strips and pregnancy tests than I should reasonably spend money on.
  10. Try to become a foster parent. Try to raise money for an adoption agency.
  11. Discard my baby’s scrapbook, then start at it again, then discard it.
  12. Wonder how people can possibly believe in God. Then seek out religion. Then curse it again.
  13. Gain all the weight back that I lost (from not eating) with lots of junk food.
  14. Get my first period post-loss and become. The. Craziest. Woman. EVER.
  15. Let the hormones balance out, give up the wine, think about going back to work, and become hopeful about getting pregnant again soon.
My daughter’s burial site, with the “mommy, daddy, and “baby” elephants we got in Thailand on our honeymoon
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