When I was at my OB’s office getting diagnosed with my second miscarriage, the doctor offered for me and my husband to get chromosomal testing. She said that usually this testing is offered only after a third loss, and that in her 25 years of practicing obstetrics, she has only encountered two couples who have had chromosomal issues. However, if it would make us feel better, we could undergo the testing. We immediately jumped at the opportunity and got our blood drawn that day.
In addition to the chromosomal testing, they also tested my blood for things like coagulation, antibodies, and progesterone level. Anything they could possibly test for, they did, and it all came back normal. It took a month for the chromosomal testing, but both of our tests came back normal on that as well. So what is wrong with us?
My doctor seems to think we’ve just had bad luck, as does my very positive husband. But what goes through my mind is much more serious than bad luck. I’m going to be 34 years old this year. If I couldn’t conceive a healthy child at 33, surely my chances are only decreasing as I approach the age of “geriatric pregnancy.”
I’ve heard of women having 9 miscarriages in a row, for no known reason — will that be me? I’m so tired of people telling me that it won’t. That I will have a healthy baby soon. That everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Do they have a crystal ball? If they do, I’d sure like to ask a few questions of my own. Like…
How many more losses will I have to endure? How many more times will I cry when I get my period? Or when I get a positive pregnancy test, but feel terrified because I don’t know how long it will last? How many more times will I announce a rainbow baby, only to experience a storm? How many more times will I have to tell my family “just kidding — we’re not pregnant anymore?” How many more roller coasters can I ride before exhausting myself?
I’ve reached my breaking point. I can’t fathom how women go through this agony so many times and are still standing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be more positive. But today — today I get to be broken.